The dating stage moved forward very quickly as we both seem to have found what we were looking for in a partner. We just seem to fit each other’s needs from the start. B just had this natural beauty to her and a power that just seemed to hide under the surface. Being around her was intoxicating, I just wanted it more and more and each day she just became my entire world. It was just after a year of dating that I proposed to her. She said yes and then things got interesting.
Being that we were older and knew this was going to be our future at some point we would get married, we didn’t follow the path that society tells us to do. I didn’t ask her father for permission first. At this point, B had a troubled relationship with her father. She was independent and made her own decisions in life. We shared the news with my parents and my mom’s first reaction was happiness. Then followed by, do you want a big wedding? We didn’t want that at all. We aren’t the type of couple that wants tons of attention on us. So we ended up flying out to Las Vegas and did the whole eloping thing.
Well now we are back from Vegas and really starting our married lives together. We had to balance work, love and blending of two families. She had two children and I also had two children from our previous relationships. There was struggles as we adjusted but we worked together as a team to take on each challenge we faced.
After just a short time of being married, we decided we wanted to add another member to our family. It didn’t take long and we were pregnant with our baby boy. Luckily everything went well with the pregnancy and 9 short months went by and we had our precious baby boy. But with any new addition to a family, there will be challenges as well as times of joy.
For me, I can admit I was a very selfish lover. I thought that if I was enjoying it, then B must be as well. Don’t get me wrong, there was some great times for both of us, but there was many more times that I am sure B went to bed unsatisfied and not sexually fulfilled. B was a great wife, but limited in sexual experience, so bringing in new fantasies was not something we really did. Actually talking about sex was just something we didn’t talk about at all. On the rare occasion, we did try something new and that sparked more, but overall we stayed pretty vanilla.
Skipping ahead in our marriage and for the next 12 years we spent it as the world tells us to live. Take care of your family, go to work and just get by as best you can. Most of that time would be considered very vanilla in all areas. This included our sex life. I wouldn’t complain at all, but looking back I am sure that B had a lot to complain about.
Skipping ahead a little bit further into our marriage and we grew more and more distant in our marriage. There was still so much love in our marriage, it wasn’t like that was the problem, it was just our priorities. We just put more effort into raising kids, work and buying a new house together. So the energy that we put into other projects took away from our energy into each other. Luckily we cared about each other more than anything else, but we knew things needed to change in some way so we can focus on each other more.
Now February of 2021 hit and besides being in the pandemic, we were still in the same place in our marriage. Cruise control was the best way to describe our marriage. Which for most after nearly 13 years of marriage would be just fine. But I knew that there was so much more for me to offer her and for her to offer me. We had so much love to still explore. So I did something that was not normal for the two of us, I put myself out there. I shared how I felt and what I really wanted deep down. I shared that I wanted us to get off cruise control and hit the gas.
So lying in bed one night, I started out with the dumbest question one could ask, do you want to sleep with other people? It came from a good place, but just came out wrong. In my head, I had realized that she wasn’t enjoying sex with me to the fullest. That it was not as often as I think either of us would like, but there had to be a reason for us not having it. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. I put the blame on myself. I think deep down I knew I was a selfish lover, but she would never say it to me.
So let’s just say this, I didn’t have any of this planned. I was the typical guy, I saw a problem and I wanted to fix it. So I just opened my mouth and let the words go where they wanted to go. Oh the places that they took us. The conversation was from my heart and was sincere, but could have been thought out more, but hey looking back it worked out.
So as I asked that deep question to her, she just looked at me stunned and responded to me with a no. Then the tears started to flow from both of us. It was more of a sadness that we felt guilty for letting each other down, instead of a sadness that I was asking something weird and strange to her. We talked more that night, but the first chance to really open up to each other was out there.
The next few days, weeks and month we set out to really understand each other. To really set time to reconnect to what each other really needs. It was time to talk and to listen, it was time to physically connect through massage, it was time to act like teenagers again and just make out for a little bit and it was time to reconnect through a journey of discovery with sex. The most important of all of those was the communication piece. We talked all the time before February, but I don’t think either of us really listened. She would tell me an issue she was having and my guy brain looked for ways to solve it, while all she wanted was someone to listen and feel what she was feeling. She didn’t need it to be fixed, she just wanted to know I was on her side and I really cared. When I shared an issue, she listened, but what I really wanted was a solution to my problem. We discovered that our communication was lost in translation, we weren’t speaking each other’s language.
Well now we are entering our time of learning and growth in our relationship. I set out to find answers and solutions, but not to her questions, but my own. I searched out online quizzes, podcasts, websites, Facebook groups and eventually found Twitter. Each source gave me a deeper insight into myself and my marriage. Some resources were great at breaking things down, while others were a little bit advanced for me at the time, but all had their importance in this learning process.
The biggest take away from our conversations was that I was selfish. I was selfish when it came to most of the things in our relationship. I helped around the house, but I left most of the hard work to B. I would help cook, but I didn’t always clean up after myself. I put my needs first in most cases and really didn’t think about B’s needs. I was present, but not in the right ways. I knew I had to change.
Change is good thing. Really taking a deep look inside yourself can be the most powerful thing one can ever do. I dug deep into myself. I took away the male ego that I was told to have. I dug deep into my behaviors and how my mind worked. The biggest take away I took away was that I was selfish in so many areas. I know it seems to be a recurring theme in this post. But I can say it loud and not so proud, I WAS SELFISH. I don’t like that I was selfish, but until I really stepped back and looked at my life, I didn’t see it. So I decided to make a change to not only better myself, but to better my relationship with B.
Next we will talk about our year of discovery and this crazy thing called cuckolding.