Apr. 3, 2022

Family means more

I as began to think about writing this blog post this week, my mind just wasn’t ready to put anything on paper.  It has been a week.  It started last Sunday with one of my teen sons who was visiting for the weekend, texting me immediately after he went back to his mom’s house.  It was a simple text, I can’t live here anymore, please come pick me up.  I talked with his mother, my ex and she said to come get him.  So I did and he then spent the next few days with us, more about that in a little bit. 

My wife and I were both dealing with a lot at our jobs, hers is always worse than mine though.  I can put work out of my mind the moment I leave the door, B on the other hand, it never ends.  Being in management, she is always dealing with a lot of fires to put out.  So the stress for her never stops, I just do what I can to ease her stress.

So, because of the changes and stresses in our lives, I can safely say that anything lifestyle was completely the farthest thing from our minds.  Which I am glad that was the case.  The old me would have no matter what was going on, would think he was entitled to having sex with my wife.  I am glad I am not that person today.  We talked more than we ever did this past week.  We needed each other more than ever this week. 

So, back to my son moving back in with us.  This has been something we have discussed in the past, but we would hold off until the current school year is complete and give it a go over the summer.  This was going to take some planning and preparation.  Not just a text.  But knowing that things were not going well for him, I picked him up and let him settle into his room for the night.  Got the plans to get him to school the next day, which is about 15 miles away and no bussing options for us.  Then off to bed for all of us.

The next morning everything actually seemed pretty normal.  We all got up and did our thing as we prepared for work and school.  My parents were nice enough to lend him their car for the day.  We all went on our way for the day.  Everything was normal until I started getting texts and phone calls from his mother.  I finished work and called her back.  She told me everything that was wrong with my son.  She told me how he didn’t go home after school and went to a park, one in which he was caught making out with girls at before.  She then went into telling me that he was up the night before watching porn on his cellphone.  She has a tracking app on his phone that alerts her of all his whereabouts and phone usage activity.  She then told me all about how he is addicted to porn. 

She followed it all up with saying that we needed to be a united front to deal with him.  We needed him to sign a contract of behavior.  I honestly was cracking up inside while she went into this part.  We have not co-parented in the almost 17 years my son has been alive.  She made sure to cut me out of their lives.  I also have another son, his twin, but he seems to be the chosen one over there.  It was crazy now that my son was with me, that she wanted to now deal with this together.

So, of course I remained calm on the outside, but was a little panicked on the inside.  I was dropped a bombshell of all the bad things about my son.  Things never told to me before this conversation.  So, I asked him when I got home about going to the park, he told me the truth.  I asked him about the porn watching and his response was short and sweet.  “I don’t see anything wrong with watching it.”  I let it be and then went to all my Twitter people for advice. 

They gave me their advice, some from a guy perspective and some from the female perspective.  But it was the expert wisdom from Dr. David J. Ley that really seemed to stick.  I read his responses, listened to the SEX and PSYCHOLOGY PODCAST by Dr. Justin Lehmiller(episode 15. The Truth About Porn) and prepared for my talk.  I actually started it off with a few text to set the scene.  He responded with open and honest answers.  When I got home we started talking as a father and son, man to man and friend to friend.  His mother had never talked to him about sex and he said that the school sex ed class was not very informational.  So, I asked him how often do you watch porn, he said extremely rarely.

Now the conversation was getting started and the ball was in my court.  We discussed that porn is created for adults and the people in the porn are really just actors doing a job.  It isn’t a good representation of what real sex between a couple is really like.  He said that he knew all of that.  I asked him what kind of porn did he watch, he responded with, there is more than one type of porn.  We both laughed, but I did explain that there are a lot of different types out there.  I then asked why he was watching porn.  I loved his answer in so many ways.  He simply said, I am trying to learn other things to do with my girlfriend besides have sex.  I am not interested in having sex right now, but would like to do other things.  We continued our conversation for a little bit longer and discussed how the best thing in any relationship is trust, communication and consent.    We stopped our talk after that, but I let him know we will talk more and I am always here for him.

Well after making headway with my son and things started to get normal again, the ex strikes again.  She wanted all of us to have a signed contract that my son would follow.  It was in my opinion way over the top.  So, I talked with her and told her, I will not being a part of that.  She then followed up with, then he needs to move back home the following morning.  So, my wife and I started to prep my son on what was being forced on us.  We clearly told him that this was not what we wanted and we didn’t want him to go.  But we can’t fight the system without going to court.  Which if he decided was best for him, we would do it.  He wasn’t happy about it, but knew that was something she would force on him.  So he gathered all his things and we enjoyed his last night in the house.

The next morning was a struggle for me.  I didn’t want to see him go, I didn’t want him to go.  The car ride was only about 10 minutes, but it just seemed like it took forever.  We chatted a little more on the ride and I gave him my last minute pointers on how to make it.  Then he was out the door and I was on to work.  We are still texting and he says things go from good moments to struggles, but he is doing his best.  I have seen a young boy begin to grow into a young man.  He does make some dumb choices in life, but don’t we all.  I see a young man who has always been compared to his twin brother.  The twin brother always seems to be the golden child in the ex’s house.  I see a young man that is still learning and because his mother has never taking the time to get to know who he really is, it has been a struggle. 

I am not sure what the future will bring for him and all of us.  If he decides he wants to move in with us, we will take it to the courts.  If he decides to stay at his mom’s house, we will support him in every way that we can.  I am glad that I had these few days with him though.  We connected on a deep level and I assured him that what he is going through is normal.  That there will always be bumps in the road, but he can count on us to be there for him.  I think for the first time ever, he was seen as an adult.  Not the kid, not the twin, but an adult.  I love all of my children.  I hope that I am giving him some tools to use when things get tough. 

So, as far as moving forward in the lifestyle, this past week it didn’t matter at all.  Family is the most important thing that I have.  My wife and I will move forward again when we are ready.  But as I wrote in a previous blog, pause and reflection is very important.  But, so is family.  If you ever need to pause for any reason, don’t feel that something is wrong.  Don’t feel you are letting yourself or your partner down.  A stop or pause for a moment just may be the thing in the end that really gets you moving forward.  So hug your kids, show them you love them but remember that they are growing up into young adults.  Be open and honest with them.  That is the only way that they will be open and honest to you as well.