Oct. 16, 2022
Find your why
This journey that we have been on started in February of 2021 and during that time we have learned so much about each other. Being together nearly 13 years before this journey, we of course thought that we knew each other, our wants and our desires. We knew we were happy together; we had a good life and our future looked good. We knew all of this because we based it off of the social norm's society has placed on us. Our societal checklist was really marked off to almost complete. Married, kids, own a home, two cars, pets, family vacations, the list goes on and on and everything on it was checked off. But somewhere along the way, we really stopped putting the true effort into each other.
It was possibly when the kids started school, playing sports and work started to demand more of us. We knew or at least thought we knew that we needed to keep up with the social norms. To do that, we had to work even harder, be present in the community and start doing those parent involvement things we get roped into. It divided up our time, we had to choose how to spend the little energy we still had each night. Most nights, we would walk and talk. Other nights that were too busy, we would just collapse on the coach with our phones and catch up on the world. We knew we loved each other, so we thought we could put our needs on the back burner until things slowed down.
Well, life never slows down. In fact, for us, it only got busier. Kids grow up and get involved in a lot more things. Jobs always seem to require even more from us. So, the waiting for things to slow down never really happened. So, that left us with the talk last February and the journey we are on now.
When we started this journey, neither of us knew anything about the lifestyle. We have heard about swingers and a few times we might have heard about the scandal in the news about a powerful person in society with the sexy much younger wife, letting her sleep around on him. But never did we hear about or understand the idea of cuckolding. I will be honest; I have watched a lot of porn in my life and none of it ever had any form of cuckolding in it.
The only experiences that even came close to the lifestyle were very early on. I wrote about those experiences in the Getting out there blog. I didn't know at the time that I got to be the bull for a married couple. I just knew that a lady wanted to have sex with me and at the age of 18, I was all for it. Before that, I knew that the more vanilla style threesomes I had with my girlfriend and guy best friend were enjoyable. I knew all along that I was not the jealous type. I knew that I enjoyed seeing pleasure from the people around me. It was that early compersion, that at the time I had no idea about what it was. I just knew I liked pleasure; I liked giving pleasure and I loved watching other receive pleasure.
But during the time before our talk, I think I lost a little bit of that compersion. I feel that if I did all the little things that made B happy, then life was good. She would be happy, but only because I did things that made her life easier. But during that time, even though I made less stress and work for her, I forgot to focus on her. Yes, I did things for her. But those were expected things. Things that I liked to do. For example: I like to cook, help with laundry, clean bathrooms, mow the yard and the more manly things. But those were tasks that didn't bring her pleasure. Those were the things a good husband does.
We needed a reset. The talk even though it was hard to do at first, was very much needed. We both were living to do the expected things for each other. We weren't working to really making each other feel pleasure. We had to really communicate with each other. We had to find our why.
The first Why was easy. We weren't happy. We loved each other. We cared about each other. We would do anything for each other. But we were not working to please each other. We set up time to walk and talk, we set up time to make out, we set up time to just be us. No kids, now work and no distractions, we had to focus on us. We succeeded in doing that. Which then lead us to a much stronger marriage. Our level of communication went from basic to full out this is what I need and want from you. This is what I expect from you, and this is what I am going to be able to give you in return.
The joy and pleasure were back in our marriage. Our focus was about living life now and not thinking about when things slow down. We saw to many sad things happen in the world around us. To many friends and family dying much too early. People who may have been just like us, waiting for life to slow down. But sadly, their marriages were cut short. We knew that we had to live now and enjoy the time we have together.
As the journey picked up speed, we found that our why would change from this to that. We found that what we thought we needed at the time, was just that, a moment in time. We meet that need; we filled that desire and then we moved forward to the next part of the journey. We learned that our why was sometimes perfectly matched up, while other times, we found that there was something one of us wanted, but the other wasn't ready to do yet. We found that why's are not set in stone but can be tabled and looked at later on. It can't be a do it now or else.
I found that my why is based on B and letting her enjoy life. With the limited sexual experiences, she had in life, I knew that she was missing out on things. When she told me that I was the best sex she has ever had, I knew she didn't have a lot to compare me to. When she told me I was the largest dick she has ever had, I knew she was definitely missing out on things. We do have great sex, don't get me wrong. But I also know my own limitations. I wanted to let B have the sexual encounters that would blow her mind. Different styles of sex, different guys, big dicks, huge dicks, whatever she craved and wanted, I wanted to supply her with it. I wanted her to enjoy sex with me and anyone else she desires. I wanted to feel wanted and desired by other men. My compersion when seeing her having pleasure is all I ever need.
My why is simply her! B has always put herself on the back burner. She isn't really a people pleaser, but she will never want to be the center of attention. She would sacrifice her own good for the good of others. But would never expect that in return. B is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is stubborn, strong, thick headed, but she is also the prettiest person I know. She is powerful without saying anything. She is everything that I could ever ask for. She is my everything. She brings me pleasure and happiness. She makes me laugh and smile and just helps me be a better person.
To me, my why is simple. For all that she has done for others, for all the people she puts first and for all the times she has never asked for anything in return, I know that I need to put her first. Make her the center of my life. Let her explore all that she has to offer in any way that she chooses to do. I love being on this journey with her. I love seeing her finally put herself first for once. I love that she now knows that other people find her sexy. I look forward to her really exploring all that she wants out of this journey. I am just glad that she has decided to take these steps for herself.
So, now my question for all of you is this. What is your why? If you are new to the journey, dig deep and look at yourself in the mirror. Find out what you want out of this. You need to know what you want before you can bring it to your partner. They will have questions, hard ones at first. Be ready to answer them, or at least discover the answers together. Once you have shared your whys, be ready to hear your partners whys as well. Communication will be the first major step in this journey. Focus on your partner, your why and their why. Once you really put each other's needs and wants first, you will be surprised just how things might just fall in line for you.
